Friday, July 11, 2008

When I can't feel....

Humans are inherently sadistic and full of apathy. And rightly so. Because isolation is the only way.

I was under the (wrong) impression that empathy is something that makes people believe they can feel for what would never be their own. But respect and consideration for other people, and all attempts to understand the human condition (in general) and people’s woes (in particular) does not do anything for a person’s evolution as a human being. It adds unnecessary baggage, and a sham of a perspective where it was not meant to be, to begin with, and where it does not belong, for a reason.

The people with the most perspective are the ones that, in short, don’t give a damn. And their observations govern their perspectives. It works. Because most of the time, there is a lot of loss between the triggers and the emotions, and the emotions and their expressions. The inability to articulate, or even comprehend emotions is something that has been difficult to analyse (barring the BS about neuroscience, which I continually find unconvincing), making them highly unreliable for any further use. The only analysis that can even be considered is the one of your own, and even that holds the risk of crass delusion . And before you know it, you’ve done it with your entire life. Get through it, and you’re probably getting somewhere. Otherwise, you are where you started.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Cut my life

I drag my feet across the last kilometer - filled with anger, frustration, fatigue and thoughts of you. What can elevate, can also bury – in to inconceivable and irretrievable depths.

I have questions that have no answers, or too many of them. I can’t choose anymore. I’m dead inside. I don’t keep away from you – I keep away from the world. You stopped being me a while ago. And I stopped being you.

I’ll get on. Because I don’t understand. And starting now, I won’t even try. Maybe one day I’ll wake up dead, or know that you are. I’ll cry for a while, and smile about knowing you – through all these years, and through all these emotions.

And know that I lost you many years ago. When I lost myself...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

L'enfer, c'est les autres

A system of conversion that I don’t understand. Conversations full of cant that I cannot comprehend. To think existence is any favour to the world is self deception. Live the pretension of a reality … some make-belief is essential for existence. But don’t start believing it. The only truth is slavery – to ourselves, our lives, people, things, ideas, ideals, passions, beauty, sorrow, and death. We strive really hard to find masters. And then spend the rest of out lives castigating ourselves for not matching up. We punish ourselves severely in ways that are incomprehensible – even to us.

The road never ends – you keep waiting to see and know something that you understand, but for months, years, and lifetimes, you don’t. You keep moving vertically – not knowing sometimes if you’re going up, or just falling down. You stop to wonder if this is what insanity is. And then you realize you don’t understand that either. You want to run, but you enjoy the servitude. You like to hear your voice when you scream. And deep inside, you want everyone else to hear it and scream too.

You begin to wonder if it will ever end. You begin to feel the fractures and cracks, and you feel the life seeping out of you, drop by drop, slowly and painfully. And everything you learn makes them bigger, until one day, you finally explode in to bits.